Longball's View from the Cheap Seats (Football Edition)

Thank God for chili cheese fries. As the Cougs whipped the Martin Stadium crowd into another frenzy this Saturday during their furious second half comeback bid, I found comfort in a steaming pile quite different than the one we were witnessing on the field in front of us. Individually, neither the chili, the cheese(ish) sauce, or the fries are particularly noteworthy, but together they make such sweet magic. They warmed my belly and eased my pain, even while somehow, they stained all 15 layers of clothing I was wearing. Amazing. You may be thinking this is where I tie this analogy of mediocre ingredients coming together to make something so good into some parable of teamwork, and the sum being more than the parts and blah de friggin blah blah. But no, sorry. Just wanted to tell you bout my chili cheese fires.

Why? Because chili cheese fries were the only thing I enjoyed about this Saturday's game. This is little comfort to Papa Longball who generously lets Amieable and I mooch off his season tickets, but the fact is this game was not worth going to. What transpired on the field was unwatchable, bad football. Two interceptions in the first 90 seconds of a game is an amazing feat. Making a struggling UCLA offense look like the 49ers circa 1994 is something few Division 1 defenses could do blindfolded. Worst of all, they destroyed my substantial credibility as a prognosticator by completely falling flat the one time I had the gumption (code word for too much bourbon) to pick them for the upset. Don't expect me to repeat that mistake anytime soon.

I am ashamed to admit this, but things got so bad on Saturday I suffered what can only be described as a manic breakdown of sorts. Late in the game, as the UCLA offense tried to run down the clock with running plays right into the middle of the defense, and kept, unintentionally, getting first downs, I lost it. I stood and began a one man shark attack. Yep, I was openly and obnoxiously mocking the Shark Attack.  I clapped my Jaws-hands together furiously and cackled like a crazy person as Amieable and Papa Longball, embarrassed and perhaps a little frightened, tried to grab my arms and get me back in my cold aluminum seat. While it did not quite surpass my lowest moment as a Coug fan.....that would be my drunkenly berating the Husky marching band with heavily slurred nerd jokes for the entire 4th quarter of the 51 - 3 Apple Cup debacle in 2000...

Still, it was not a proud moment for yours truly. All I can say in my defense is that I was simply overcome by the sheer ridiculousness of how bad we were. This was not a tragedy unfolding before us, but a comedy. It all conjured up this quote I have always carried with me from my days (12 days to be exact) as an aspiring literary scholar...

"Tragedy presupposes guilt....vision...a sense of responsibility. In the Punch-and-Judy show of our century....there are no more guilty and also, no responsible men. It is always, 'We couldn't help it'...Everything is dragged along and everyone gets caught somewhere in the sweep of events....Comedy alone is suitable for us."

Friedrich Dürrenmatt, Problems of the Theatre, 1955

Indeed, Coug fans... as old Freddy Durenmatt said, "Comedy alone is suitable for us".

Of course it's not that kind of comedy, so nobody is laughing. As I left the stadium after watching every second of that torturous football game, I received a sobering reminder of just how not funny it all was. It was a reminder written on the face of Co-defensive coordinator Jody Sears who had descended from his perch in the booth on his way to what must have been one somber locker room. Any Coug fan who thinks these losses are hard on them would need just one look at that face to realize the true agony of these defeats. From where we sit it is easy to see the coaches as they prowl the sideline and at times during this game it looked as if they would storm the field and take up positions themselves. My fearless sideline reporters, who happen to also run the chain gang, related to me that the coaches were three yards out in front of them virtually every play, frequently obstructing their ability to follow the action on the field.  They had never seen anything like it before. These are coaches who are not just fighting for their jobs, they are fighting for their dream jobs.

I have been a staunch defender of this staff, in spite of just about everything that has transpired on the field, and I realize that to some my dogged defense of the work they are doing has been baffling. Even now, as the team I love appears to be at a new low with further depths yet to come against the Beavers and Huskies, I stand by my conviction that they are the guys to turn this thing around.

Why am I so stubborn? I think it comes down to this... for this staff this is a destination job. All their toil and effort over the years has been for this opportunity and that alone makes them uniquely qualified for this job. I am openly derisive of those who seem content to bring in the next Erickson. We know that recipe. Bring in some JCs, and myriad other academic and character liabilities, whatever it takes to win now. Get an upset or two, a mid level bowl game, then back to the drawing board as we are left jilted at the altar again. Quick and dirty! Well, I want more and I am willing to wait for it (at least 2 more seasons). I am not going to pour over the recruiting, the enhancements to strength and conditioning, the increased emphasis on character and accountability both on and off the field that have been repeated ad-nauseum in defense of this staff. Furthermore I am going to spare you a long diatribe about all the things outside this staff's control that have worked against them, including the proverbial bare cupboard and litany of injuries.

Rather I will just plead with you... Let them finish what they started. I honestly believe our patience will be rewarded much more then any fly-by-night weekend romance with the Turner Gill's and Kevin Sumlin's of the world could ever bring us (not a snowball's chance in hell either would stay one minute after their first bowl appearance).

Football is entertainment, so it is difficult to ask for patience from people who are currently paying money (thanks Papa Longball!) to NOT be entertained. Talk about a tough sell. For that reason I am not at all confident that the patience exists to let this staff see this thing through and build not just a winning team, but a winning program.  That makes me sad. I am frustrated that this staff seemed to approach this task with no coherent plan for how to win in the meantime while their long term plans took shape. It sure makes it hard for me to keep defending the work they're doing when not a single Cougar fan is looking forward to their last 2 games. In the end, I fear it will be their undoing.

Martin Stadium is going to be a cold, desolate and lonely place next Saturday, Senior Day. I half expect to see tumbleweed blow across the field. But I'll be there, and I sure hope somebody shows up to man the chili cheese fry stand.

All for now.  GO COUGS!